The basis of any relationship is sympathy, apathy or empathy.
The basis of sympathy is, “I understand you. Hence I agree with you.” However by understanding and agreeing with you all the time, I feel taken for granted and sometimes even exploited. Because of my sympathetic nature, through communication and presentation, what is not ok is made to look ok.
To save myself from becoming weak I become apathetic. The basis of apathy is, “If I understand you then I tend to agree with you and become weak. So I won’t understand you.” Apathy makes me indifferent. I’m no more sensitive to your emotions. I don’t even want to risk listening to your point of view, for I may end up understanding and agreeing with you. Why should I always understand? Why don’t you understand me once?
In sympathy, I don’t feel respected in the relationship. Hence I become emotionally weak. In apathy I don’t respect the other and hence the very relationship becomes weak. To save myself as well as the relationship, the only solution is empathy.
In empathy, “I understand you, but I may or may not agree with you.” I understand why the beggar begs, but I don’t agree that begging is the way to bread. I understand why you lied, but I don’t agree to this approach of a second wrong to cover up the first wrong. I understand your work pressure, but I don’t agree that home can be your emotional dumping ground. In empathy I simply get behind your eyeballs and see things the way you see it, irrespective of whether I agree with you or not. Empathy allows me to peep into your mind and heart. In empathising with you, I become ‘you’ without losing the ‘me’. Empathy validates the point that relationships are not built by agreement but by understanding. In empathy we agree to disagree. In empathy there is mutual respect. Hence, it strengthens you, the relationship and also me. Empathy is the only way to deep and lasting relationships.
But without learning to listen, empathy can never be practiced. Most of the relationships breakdown because one of the two involved in the relationship has not learned to listen. Listening is the door to the mind and heart of those who you listen to. I get to know you only when I listen to you. Listening is caring. By listening, I’m seeking to understand. Talking is sharing. By talking I’m seeking to be understood. Both listening and talking are required to develop empathy and empathetic relationships.
Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to enquire about Zen. Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he could no longer restrain himself and said, “Its overfull. No more would go in!”
“Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”
I will first listen to understand. Through my listening, I will help people to first empty themselves. Only then will I communicate to be understood. And now, I’ll fill them up.
