Que sera,sera

These two phrases haunt us throughout our lives reducing us from confident, self assured individuals to depressed, morose bundles of nerves. “What if…” and “if only…” are two ends of the same spectrum. One creates self doubts and the other is the harbinger of regret. “What if…” simply prevents us from fulfilling our dreams because it fills us with a feeling of uncertainty as to whether what we are doing is right or not. The two words act as roadblocks in the path of individual progress as well as collective growth. While it is prudent to observe a certain amount of caution in any work we perform, it is never advisable to constantly give in to morbid thoughts about what can go wrong. Giving in to panic every time we think of accomplishing a task will only lead to failure and reluctant frustration and depression. Continuous suppression of ideas and objectives will hamper our physical, mental and spiritual growth.

A friend of mine has been thinking of embarking on a world tour with her husband for the past four years but has never made it past her door step. The moments she decides to set out, the monster called “What if…” rears its ugly head. She starts preparing a mental questionnaire where each question starts with – you guessed it… What if it snows heavily in Switzerland and we are trapped? What if hurricane Katrina strikes New Orleans when we are visiting the states? What if an earthquake shakes Japan or China as we are passing through it?

Like him, most of us succumb to the “What if” questionnaire and give up many of our dreams without even attempting. If we reflect on these doubts with a calm and composed mind, we will realize that most of the doubts are baseless. Most of the so-called hurdles are created in our minds. And if something has to go wrong, it will. As they say ‘que sera sera’ or ‘whatever will be, will be’. All we can do is to take the necessary precautions and then pray for the best and prepare for the worst.

If I could narrate the much –loved parable of the frog in the well with a slight modern touch it would probably go like this: There were two frogs in a well. One set off boldly to see the world and got enriched by the experience. The other remained in the well for all his life because a witch had cursed him that throughout his life he will have to fight the twin brothers ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ and unless he showed the courage and wisdom, the brothers would win the battle. That was what had happened exactly.

Every time the frog sat on the edge of the well and thought of exploring the world, ‘what if’ will visit him and plunge him into panic and doubt. Since he was never bold enough to shake it off, he would leap back in the wall and stay there. Soon the years passed by and one day lying on his deathbed, the frog was visited by the other brother ‘if only’. He closed his eyes and thought of innumerable times when he had thought of leaving the well, but had not. If only he had had the courage to do it, if only he had followed his friend on his journey, if only he had another chance, if only… With these regrets in mind, the frog breathed his last.

I’m sure none of us want to pass our lives - half of it in self doubt and the other half in regret. The time to act is now. Take valuable lessons from your past, use the experience wisely to guide your future and live fully in your present. Only then will you be able to banish the two siblings ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ from your life.

In letting go of your hurt, you will let in peace.

No single person, no single event, no single experience has the right to sit inside your head and continue to disturb the peace of your mind. Nothing…Nobody… should ever be given such exalted status as to have power over the peace of your mind. For the sake of your peace, let go of anything, let go of anybody, who continues to rattle you from within. Your mind and heart should be the seat of your peace and not the seat of someone or something that keeps disturbing you. Nothing at the cost of your peace. Everything for the sake of your peace. Learn to let go, not in the physical sense but in the emotional sense. Free yourself of any disturbing elements. Let go whatever. Let go whoever. Put your peace above everything.

Your within can either be a basket of fragrant flowers or a vessel of acid. When you let go of the source of your hurt, you experience an inner flowering. Else, you keep destroying yourself in the same way that acid destroys the vessel that contains it.

People hurt you out of their ignorance and their immaturity. And, you allow yourself to be hurt out of your ignorance and out of your immaturity. The fact of the matter is that between the hater and the hated, it is always the hater who gets hurt more. While your hatred may do nothing to the other, it certainly gives you sleepless nights, causes ulcers and acidity in you, and above all, does not allow you to be at peace. So, what do you get out of living with hurt? Nobody gains and for sure, you definitely lose. Why would you live with something as meaningless as hurt?

In physical sense, the people or events that hurt you happen once. But you rewind and replay the hurt a zillion times. The more you process it, the deeper it hurts. You have given a source of disturbance a higher presence within you than your own peace.

If at all anybody is wrong, let them continue to live outside of you. Don’t give them a presence within you. Let your mind and heart house only those who are a source of your peace. The rest, let them go…

In letting go of your hurt, you will let in peace. A peaceful you is a beautiful you. The good news is, you can be beautiful. The very good news is that it is in your very hands. See…. Even the thought of ‘let go’ is getting you to smile…

I will first listen to understand and then communicate to be understood.

The basis of any relationship is sympathy, apathy or empathy.

The basis of sympathy is, “I understand you. Hence I agree with you.” However by understanding and agreeing with you all the time, I feel taken for granted and sometimes even exploited. Because of my sympathetic nature, through communication and presentation, what is not ok is made to look ok.

To save myself from becoming weak I become apathetic. The basis of apathy is, “If I understand you then I tend to agree with you and become weak. So I won’t understand you.” Apathy makes me indifferent. I’m no more sensitive to your emotions. I don’t even want to risk listening to your point of view, for I may end up understanding and agreeing with you. Why should I always understand? Why don’t you understand me once?

In sympathy, I don’t feel respected in the relationship. Hence I become emotionally weak. In apathy I don’t respect the other and hence the very relationship becomes weak. To save myself as well as the relationship, the only solution is empathy.

In empathy, “I understand you, but I may or may not agree with you.” I understand why the beggar begs, but I don’t agree that begging is the way to bread. I understand why you lied, but I don’t agree to this approach of a second wrong to cover up the first wrong. I understand your work pressure, but I don’t agree that home can be your emotional dumping ground. In empathy I simply get behind your eyeballs and see things the way you see it, irrespective of whether I agree with you or not. Empathy allows me to peep into your mind and heart. In empathising with you, I become ‘you’ without losing the ‘me’. Empathy validates the point that relationships are not built by agreement but by understanding. In empathy we agree to disagree. In empathy there is mutual respect. Hence, it strengthens you, the relationship and also me. Empathy is the only way to deep and lasting relationships.

But without learning to listen, empathy can never be practiced. Most of the relationships breakdown because one of the two involved in the relationship has not learned to listen. Listening is the door to the mind and heart of those who you listen to. I get to know you only when I listen to you. Listening is caring. By listening, I’m seeking to understand. Talking is sharing. By talking I’m seeking to be understood. Both listening and talking are required to develop empathy and empathetic relationships.

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to enquire about Zen. Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he could no longer restrain himself and said, “Its overfull. No more would go in!”

“Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

I will first listen to understand. Through my listening, I will help people to first empty themselves. Only then will I communicate to be understood. And now, I’ll fill them up.

Preconceived Notions

Sahil adjusted his tie for the umpteenth number of time as he made his way across the sprawling gardens of the call centre, where he worked as an agent. He had been handpicked to take Jane, the director of operations at their UK headquarters, on a tour of Chennai. Although mindful of the honour bestowed on him, he was a bundle of nerves. This was her first visit to India and he had never interacted with her before. Before even meeting her he had decided that she would be a strict matronly type, who would instruct him to keep his finger on his lips.

He soon found out how wrong he was. During the introduction, the first thing he noticed about her was her sincere smile and warm handshake. She was a woman in her fifties and dressed comfortably in casual chi, while he was roasting in three piece suit in the sweltering heat of Chennai: all because he had assumed that she would turn up in formal attire. Before he could teach her anything about Chennai she had taught him a valuable lesson: how to be comfortable within himself.

His careful thought-out plan of taking her on a tour of Chennai’s swankiest malls went for a toss when she requested to visit a place steeped in Indian culture. He was ashamed when not a single name sprung up in his mind. Five years in this lovely city and he had never bothered to explore it, assuming there was nothing out of ordinary to visit. He called his wife and she came to his rescue by suggesting Dakshina Chitra on the ECR.

Needless to say, Jane thoroughly enjoyed the tour but Sahil enjoyed it more. The life size ‘huts’ representing the four south Indian states made for stunning panorama. They had lunch at the complex restaurant and Jane surprised him again by eating with her hands while he ate with a fork and a spoon. She regaled with throughout the meal with anecdotes about her kids, pets work and he shared with her the misadventures of his tiny tots.

Next she requested to visit a temple and he suggested Kapaleeshwara, one of the oldest temples in Chennai. When they reached the temple, they heard that a Bharatanatyam recital was about to start. Sahil quickly suggested leaving the place as it would get impossibly crowded, but she wanted to stay. Reluctantly he sat down to view the performance. “What beauty do people find in exaggerated movements?” he pondered sulkily. Over the next two hours he found the answer. He sat mesmerised by the grace and elegance of the dancers as they swayed perfectly to the rhythm of the beats under the canopy of stars.

The day came to an end and he bid Jane a warm goodbye. On his way back he recapitulated the number of preconceived notions that had been obliterated that day and smiled to himself.

Pre-conceived notions can be as dangerous as half-baked knowledge. A famous joke goes like this: After a training session on parachutes, the commanding officer reminds the junior recruits the importance of opening the parachute at the correct time. A recruit meekly voices his doubt, “And what if it does not open?” The officer replies with a flourish, “That my boy will be an apt example of Jumping to Conclusions.” We know how fatal it can be , and yet we keep making the error of pronouncing snap judgements.

When we spot a new student sitting aloof, from the rest of the group, we are quick to label him snobbish and arrogant. We never pause to think that he could be an introvert and that we should take the effort to break the ice.

We look at our colleague’s shabby clothes and conclude that he is too lazy to buy new ones. When a buddy refuses to join us for group lunch, he immediately gets dubbed ‘miserly’. Do we know their financial hardships? Do we ever acknowledge the fact that providing their families with three square meals a day or giving their children a descent education may be more important to them than owning designer clothes or gorging on packaged junk food?

We espy a fat person and are hasty to award him the sobriquet of a glutton. We do not examine if the cause of his obesity is something more serious than food, may be a thyroid problem for instance. Why? We do not have the time. We have to slot him in some bracket and get on with judging the next character, which comes along.

After his encounter with Jane, Sahil sure is trying to change his thought process. This way of thinking has been his companion for the last three decades and it cannot be easily shaken off, but he is doing his best. Let us persevere and have patience. Let us not judge him a rash judge of personalities.

This reminds me of a quote that my dad had written on a paper and pinned up on a board in my house: “Let us not judge others, so that we may not be judged.”

The Endless Quest...

There is a story about Mullah Nasruddin that goes like this. One day Mullah Nasruddin lost his ring down in the basement of his house, where it was very dark. There being no chance of his finding it in that darkness, he went on the streets and started looking for it there. Somebody passing by stopped and enquired: “What are you looking for Mullah Nasruddin? Have you lost something?” “Yes, I’ve lost my ring down in the basement”, said Mullah Nasruddin. “But why don’t you look for it down in the basement where you lost it?” asked the man in surprise. “Don’t be silly!” said Mullah Nasruddin, “How do you expect me to find anything in that darkness!”

But really isn’t that the irony of life? We look for something where we expect to find it, not where we want to find it, not where it necessarily is. Bring on the list of expectations- yes that long, endless list. The greatest challenge in today’s over populous world is rising expectations in relationships, and the striving to live up to them. Everyone is running in one direction or the other and there‘s a lot riding on each tide as it comes in and goes. Often we find ourselves short of patience, time and energy. Patience may not be a virtue your sibling seems to possess in abundance, but you still seek it from him. That you lose your temper over it is a different issue altogether. Don’t we often yearn for love where none is forthcoming? It’s not that we don’t have enough people who love us already, but that we want to be loved by that one person. Often we feel let down because we seek courage in a coward, loyalty in a nomad, encouragement from a cynic, faith from an atheist, obedience from an anarchist, emotional bonding from the disconnected, love and tolerance from the extremist, happiness from the world, stability in the stock market. The terms may make these qualities seem like abstractions, but you’ll find that you see them in people you come across all the time.

But isn’t that the very point of it all-What good is it to me to have a calm neighbour and a terribly impatient spouse? It’s like having all the solutions in the world but no problems to solve. No one had ever to try hard to be loved and treated with compassion by Mother Teresa- it was always there for the taking. But where these desirable qualities don’t seem to exist, one has to summon them, seek them out. If not by nature, everyone is capable of developing, acquiring and nurturing desired qualities. Why look outside, a peek into the mirror will unravel the long list of expectations we have from our own self.

As far as it concerns us, we know it is possible to summon the qualities we expect of our self , although it may take time. And when it comes to the world, it may sometimes seem that we are banging our head against a wall, but we never know when we’ll make headway. There are also times when we realize that we’ve been barking up the wrong tree, when we reach the topmost rung of the ladder to find that it’s been leaning against the wrong wall!!! Impractical as the Mullah’s actions may appear, in people, situations and relationships look where you expect to find something, for earnest and constant seeking does yield results even in the most unlikely of the situations, from the most unlikely individuals.

The Complaint Of The Sun

One day i felt as if sun was telling me something,

When i was gazing at the sky, that early morning,

He said-" To whom should i say my complaint?

No one adores me, neither a poet nor a saint.

Every poet and writer praises

Only that moon, in their phrases

They sing in praise of the moon and his moonlight,

And compare their beloved face with the moon bright.

That moon whose size is never constant,

Who is either full or in cresent,

Never visible on a new moon night

But still he is admirable in everybody sight!

Though his golden body is black stained,

And his shape is never sustained,

Though his arrival in sky is always late

He is welcomed heartily by people, Oh! what a fate!

Look at me, i am so regular in rising,

Do not delay even for a second in setting,

I will never ever change my strategy

And i'm the ultimate source of energy

What about that moon who is a borrower of my light,

He is dull while i'm bright,

The world admires him and forgets my virtues,

But i'll wait for the day when they'll change their views."

The Waiting Game

The Pipal Tree! It stood firm there in a temple near my house in my town with its tender leaves rustling in the breeze all day long. As a child I fondly watched it every single day and my admiration for it never diminished.

One day I saw a Pipal leaf in my friend’s notebook. It had turned into a beautiful web formed by the veins of the leaf. Oh! It was magical for me! I wanted it too. My friend informed me that when Pipal leaves dried naturally, they leave behind a webbed skeleton of veins. That very evening while returning from school, I went under the Pipal tree, selected a leaf for myself, stored it in a book of mine as explained by my friend and then the wait began...

Every evening after returning from school, I would straight away run towards my book to see the progress, nothing much happened though. A few days passed, but there was no sign of magic that I had expected. A week went by , then another and another. Yes, the leaf was drying slowly, but that was it. I waited for a few more weeks and then out of sheer frustration, one day I tore apart the leaf and threw it away. Years later I learnt that the process of drying required a lot of time and also that there were other quicker techniques for getting the skeleton!!!

As a child I was impatient to see the changes in the Pipal leaf and as a grownup I saw myself getting impatient to see the changes and improvements in people I love. I thought, I contemplated, and I understood…

1. That very often we expect people to change or improve to meet the standards that we set. I feel that people should forgive as easily as I can. I expect my teammates to work with the same passion that I do. I also expect my friends to play with the same enthusiasm and intent that I play with. There is no issue with these expectations. In fact, they help others to grow. The issue arises when I get disturbed about my expectations not being met in the time frame that I’ve set. So even after communicating a number of times, if she is not sensitive enough to a few situations, it upsets me. He not playing as seriously as I do makes me angry. The issue is not the expectation but it is the disturbance.

2. People change where they want to change. I may want them to change in one aspect and something else may be their priority.

3. Just because I’m not able to see positive changes in people immediately, it doesn’t mean they are not good people or they are not improving. They may be improving but my ambitious time frame for them may block me from seeing those little changes.

4. People will follow my example more than my advice. It is very easy to point out at others and let them know where they need to change. What’s not easy is to invest the same time and energy on myself and get to know where I need to improve. Mahatma Gandhi rightly said, “The true textbook of a pupil is his teacher.” When we change, when we improve, the world around us also improves.

Our loved ones deserve our patience; deserve our appreciation for the little improvements. We need to celebrate their improvements rather than being critical about their imperfections. In fact, I wonder, what would people do for the rest of their lives if they all turned perfect overnight?

I guess I need to get a new leaf for myself and watch it transform-this time, patiently.